"Sensitives" Belong to Their Tribe

The more I read about Robin Williams, listen to his voice expressing his deepest feelings, the more I feel his 'sensitive' nature.

I am a sensitive also.

So are 90% of my patients.

I have felt a deep loneliness all of my life, a disconnect from Earth systems. I don't adapt well to people and systems that lack integrity or are fear, greed and power driven (like many of our systems today including the health care system).

I didn't 'fit in' with the broken health care system, I didn't fit in with the 'club' mentality in Medicine. I had no desire to adapt to a lifestyle that was promoted by the physician collective - the mcmansion, the fast car, the fat paycheck, the power trip or even the white coat. I felt suffocated in it. It disconnected me with my beloved patients so I left it hanging on a hanger in my office. I don't even know what happened to it. One day it just disappeared!

When I left the 'system' to create my own, my beloved Ommani Center, I didn't think twice. I mortgaged my house and took a big plunge. The lien on my house still stands. My business loan would have been long paid off by now, but a very expensive divorce got in the way. It was worth every penny to revive my sovereignty, restore the integrity of Ommani's vision and support the sacred 'system' I created to unfold health care in the direction I am taking it along with my patients - the direction of it being an educational and empowerment healing model, one based on integrity and sustainability.

As sensitives, we have difficult journeys because we feel so deeply. The majority of us do not subscribe to or connect with worldly attitudes or ways of living. They feel empty. We feel happier with simplicity and meaning and are fulfilled by being around people like us - our tribe.

For a long time I thought that I could make a difference on Earth in the collective consciousness. I don't think I can any more. Most 'Earthers' don't want change. They fight to maintain status quo. They don't want true health. They just want quick fixes and band-aids. They are caught up in the collective definitions of 'success' and 'progress'. They subscribe to the collective.

Who I feel I serve are the 'sensitves' . They are my tribe and they struggle between the way they were conditioned to adapt and what their Soul frequency resonates with. I feel that my deepest and most sacred work is to empower them to dismantle their conditioned thinking and live in harmony with their Soul frequency - to Become Real.

I feel that if enough of us support each other in this way, we will create a vortex, a critical mass that will hold the energy for shifting the paradigm. When this happens, the people on Earth will have no choice but to shift. Entrainment is a powerful force, especially when it is centered in heart and feelings.

Remember, WE are the change.

Are you a sensitive? If so, know that there are enough of us here to make a difference.

You are seen and witnessed.

My heart is with you.

We BELONG to each other.

You are not alone.

So Robin Williams, wherever you are, be at peace knowing that we see you and feel you for who you REALLY were.

You made a BIG difference on Earth even in death.

We will carry the Light.

We belong to your tribe

                               

What Are The Odds?

I love The Bay Area in California. Even though I now live in Wisconsin, I am still drawn to the beauty of the sun and the warmth with the smell of eucalyptus and the misty feeling of the ocean on my face. I used to run the hills of SF at 4:30 am during my internship and residency and felt the full sensation of the natural beauty of that beautiful place.

I was also in the Loma Prieta earthquake in 1990.

Today, I was talking about how beautiful the sun felt to Jeannie at the pet store in Pewaukee this morning where I was getting cat food for my cat. It reminded me of the way the sun shined in the Bay Area. Jeannie told me that she too lived in the Bay area and she too was in the Loma Prieta earthquake, and yes, the sun today reminded her of when she lived there. At this point, another customer walked in to buy a dog cookie and heard our conversation. Turns out she was born and raised in the Bay Area and was also in the Loma Prieta earthquake!

So here we were, three women in Pewaukee, WI, who all shared a deep love the Bay Area and were all in the 1987 earthquake.

It was a surreal and magical moment. I didn't want it to end!  The numinosity was palpable.

What are the odds of us meeting in that moment in time in the middle of the midwest with our shared experiences from the same moment from our past in the Bay Area?

In any case, we parted ways intimately connected to each other through our love for San Francisco. Maybe we will get together periodically and share a cup of California coffee, tell stories, share memories and photographs of our home from the past far away from our home in Wisconsin...

I certainly hope so!

There must be a word in the English language to describe moments like these.

"Synchronicity" falls short of the magical precision that moments like these hold.

Isn't life amazing?

                                                                    

LOVE is here on Earth

LOVE is here on Earth

I have often felt that LOVE is what we are here to feel and give to each other.

Many share how I feel so why don’t we have stories of LOVE everywhere?

Ever since I was little, I felt it often and deeply.  It was inspiring and a bit frightening but warming, a bit overwhelming yet comforting.  I was raised to hold my feelings in, medical training tried reinforcing this, but that didn't work very well for me. I didn't adapt well and do as I was told. I felt LOVE every time I witnessed a simple act of kindness – you know, that sensation that wells up your tears and feelings. That is LOVE

LOVE makes us FEEL.

I feel it every day with my patients and staff, my dogs, my cat, my family and friends and even with total strangers - it is ever present and sustains life.  It awakens joy and the will to live.  It brings depth and meaning to the simple moments that make life worth living.

Last week when the snow fell heavy and deep, I was on the freeway on my way to work.  A snow plough entered the on ramp, ploughing and salting, clearing the path.  I was overcome with gratitude for the driver, a total stranger to me whose act of kindness saved us from skidding, who was up early, making it safe for us to go wherever we needed to go.  Yes, this was his job, but I chose to see it as an act of kindness.  I chose to see it directed at me and the others on the road at that moment in time. My heart felt warm, my tears welled. I was so thankful.  I saw his work also as an act of LOVE.

 Then, I stopped at the coffee shop and the owner had been there early on that cold morning making sure the hot coffee was ready and waiting, to warm me on my drive to work.  She was grateful for my presence and I was grateful for her efforts – again, LOVE. 

When I arrived at work, the sidewalk was already salted by a stranger who made sure I didn't fall on my way to the front door.  Yet, another act of LOVE and

As I walked in the door, I was greeted by my beloved patient who came early to fill out paperwork so we had our time together without it being cut short by protocol – an act of LOVE.

This was all on one day before 9.a.m.!

Before my day even started, I felt loved.  I felt that all the LOVE was directed at me.  I took it in and it filled me up.

If we remember to be grateful for the many ways we LOVE each other every day, and hold this sacred, our world will change.  What matters will be valued more than not mattering.

Think about this.  It can make all the difference in our experience on Earth.

LOVE is present everywhere we choose to see it.

Make sure your day is filled with gratitude for the many acts of LOVE that come your way that you may otherwise miss.

The Ommani Center – A New Model for Healthcare

Rachel Remen M.D. is a physician and mentor who inspired me 23 years ago. An article about her current work, Medicine’s Search for Meaning was recently published in The New York Times. It made me reflect on where I started as a young physician, and where I have arrived today as a physician who holds a vision of a healed health care system in my heart. I was a fledgling 3rd year resident in Internal Medicine at Stanford when I attended the talk that Rachel gave on ‘patient-centered’ medicine. I sat on the steps in the auditorium, listened to her and wept. My heart has remained open wide since that day at Stanford and I have pursued a path of LOVE and DEVOTION for my patients and it has been my hope for health care ever since.

As stories of entrepreneurs go, mine has been lined with challenges as well as immense creativity. I weaved in and out of corporate medicine after residency and left it forever in 1998 when I was told that “wellness is a conflict of interest for health care” and “preventive medicine does not generate hospital dollars”.
I suddenly realized that the business model that corporate health care serves is exclusively a financial one. The dollar is what is served, not health, healing or patient care. Physicians are merely assembly line workers who generate money for the health care systems quarterly profits. My heart continually breaks for my colleagues who work in a corporate model that serves administrators and policies, not patients.

Let me tell you something about what a doctor’s heart is like. As I talk about mine, I can assure you that many doctors entered their profession with similar stories and experiences and were seeking the grace in their work that fulfilled their passion to heal.

When I was little, I remember the first inklings of how I knew I wanted to serve in this capacity. When I was around people, I felt a deep ache in my heart. I didn't understand what this was for a long time. I knew I was always searching for why people got sick and how they could get well. I think I came into the world this way in addition to being raised around the scientific inquiry of my parents who are brilliant scientists. Because I loved science so much, I voraciously read everything I could get my hands on to help guide my understanding. Nothing was as fulfilling for my soul as seeking answers to difficult questions. I knew I had to spend every day of my life in this numinous place. Going to medical school felt like a natural extension of my passion for learning within the healing model available in our society. To be immersed in it and to be able to feel the joy that accompanied complicated problem solving was nothing short of bliss. When I was on the wards during my clinical rotations, that old familiar ache in my heart from childhood resurfaced. I now recognized it as LOVE. This strong and deep feeling, this ache, this love that I discovered I had for my patients has never stopped flowing.

I feel privileged and honored every time I am with them, ever since the first patient I ever saw. She privileged me as a medical student, to study her condition and honored me with her patience during my very green inquiry. Since that very first day, my patients have made it possible for me to explore answers with them. The closest I came to this with colleagues was with nurses during night shifts on call. I watched their dedication and devotion – a Florence Nightingale energy that held their patients in their hearts embrace. I followed them on the wards to learn how to balance intellect with love and to this day, owe my deep learning to them. They
mentored me on how to hold space and how to stay real in times that were stressful, during life and death, illness and health.

When Rachel Remen spoke of patient-centered care in her talk at Stanford, I was just getting ready to graduate from residency and enter my medical destiny track. That day, was the beginning of the rest of my career. It was as if it all came together inside of me and I received an ‘initiation’ of sorts into practicing medicine to honor the soul of my sacred vocation.

After I completed my training, I worked in corporate health care. No such feeling was present in that system. The numinous was unreachable. In fact, if my patients needed time and attention, I was penalized. I soon realized that I was now a worker on the assembly line, towing the party line and making money for administration that served the dollar, not the soul of medicine. After 7 years of experiencing this heartless model, I left it forever. Without a degree in business or any experience in running a medical practice, I took a leap of faith and designed The Ommani Center for Integrative Medicine – a place where I could practice medicine from that same sacred place that unfolded my path through medical school and residency, initiating me in this sacred vocation of science and healing.

Today, my intention for creating this Center permeates its presence. Despite my lack of confidence in running a business, I discovered that in addition to loving it, I was also a fierce advocate for patients. The Ommani Center was born as an answer to what I felt is missing in health care- my love for my patients and for being able to practice with heart and meaning without compromising the scientific method or patient safety.
The Ommani Center is a unique health care model. I created it with a mindset for sustainability, both from a financial and environmental context. The architecture was designed to give the feeling of ‘flow’. The paint used on the walls, the water and teas served, cleaning products and even the soap we use to wash hands and cotton gowns are all environmentally friendly. We recycle everything we can and are fiscally responsible in how we manage overhead and even where we refer patients for lab and diagnostic tests. I believe that we all have a responsibility to keep health care costs down. It takes extra work, time and energy for all. On my end, I pay extra to have my medical assistants enter lab and diagnostic data (into electronic medical records) performed at labs that cost my patients significantly less compared to hospital based tests. I would rather pay the $6000 – 7000 per year for staff time to save hundreds of thousands in health care costs. We must all do our part to transform health care. We cannot underestimate the power of one.

As a physician, I knew I would be sacrificing financial security to do what felt ethically correct for me. My moral compass came at a financial price. As a response to this, I shifted from a profit mindset to a sustainability one. The Ommani Center's sustainable business model has proven to be solid for more than a decade. Since 2001, it has sat gently on the earth, served patients with heart and meaning and kept its carbon footprint light.

Meanwhile, my colleagues in corporate health care, struggle to adapt to endless policies that micromanage them and restrictions that make it nearly impossible for them to practice from heart. Corporate health care is an experiment gone awry. In my least optimistic moments, I gain solace in knowing that The Ommani Center, a sacred health care model that stands in the heart of Pewaukee,Wisconsin is poised to be replicated in communities across America where patients and physicians are hungry to access sustainable, cost and therapeutically effective health care. This is my contribution to restoring the soul of medicine and for bringing meaning back into physicians’ lives who have sacrificed so much to heal others and are less than able to in the corporate system today.

When I see them working under emotionally abusive conditions in the current system, I feel an unbearable pain in my heart. I want them to know that it is now possible to practice with heart and soul and to serve patients rather than policies and administrators. The Ommani Center is like a lighthouse for health care. As it grows and expands in the near future, it will become a haven for physicians looking to restore their souls and reclaim their hearts as they follow the golden thread of their purpose for choosing their sacred craft.
I have come a long way since that threshold day on the steps of the Stanford auditorium. The vision in my heart that was ignited there continues to burn bright and is brighter each day as my beloved patients add their light to it.

Let us create the new model for health care together. Let us all remain true to its sacred purpose and mission so we can finally gain access to health and healing.

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/18/medicines-search-for-meaning/?smid=fb-share&_r=1

The Gift of Our Wounds

A few nights ago, I had a dream that, my children, my ex-husband and I were driving down the road in our car (when I was still married to him).  My daughter was 12, my son 9 and I felt IT. You know, that feeling when you are a family, when you feel like you belong, when you are connected organically through blood, heart and SOUL; a feeling like no other on earth.  We got out of the car and I said to my daughter, “Did you feel it?” She said, “Mom, it’s not going to last.” Then I woke up.

This dream was actually my reality.  I did feel this organic connection inside when we were a family. Every now and then, when I'd close my eyes I'd feel IT - that magical sense of belonging, of being woven together like a beautiful tapestry.  My soul radiated out to my family with a love so deep, it took my breath away.  And she was right, it didn't last.

Eight years ago in early September, on a beautiful fall day, I discovered that my family had been shattered by adultery.  When I discovered this, I fell into a deep hole that seemed like it had no bottom.  My heart imploded like a bomb went off inside and vaporized it. Its million fragments scattered into space. All that I held sacred was desecrated and in shambles.  Even Ommani was defiled. This was a dirty wound. I feared I would never heal.

Fall has always been one of my favorite seasons.  As we move inward after harvest, we tap into the depths of our inner self.  As the days get dark and our journey inward spirals into the all-knowing Yin, we gain wisdom and connection with our roots.  We prepare for hibernation, for moving closer to the heart of the Earth Mother, to gain connection and nourishment before renewal in Spring. Fall is a sacred time – a time of transition, when the veil between Heaven and Earth is thin and we can access the Spirit world more freely for guidance.

For me, that fateful day in September marked an initiation into a deeper level of Soul. I fell into an abyss where I crawled around for years, asking questions of myself whose answers I am now living out.

For me, as magical and sacred as Fall is, the transition into it is often difficult. Memories imprint the heart. In the Fall, I am reminded of the cold, sharp shards of betrayal.  They were jagged.  They pierced my heart and startled my Soul.  My heart heaved and then contracted.  I tried hard to keep it open for years for fear that it might close down forever due to this pulsing and throbbing wound.  It took courage and grief to keep it open, a grief that was sometimes hard to bear.  At times, I felt it would never heal.  To my amazement, it grew stronger. It grew ‘proud flesh’ over the portal where betrayal had entered. Sometimes I imagine it heaved deeply,  like an exhale, releasing pain and the weight of the wounder’s shadow it could no longer carry.

What I discovered is that staying open heals us even when we feel that it won’t.  The pain of staying open is more intense, but a kind of Medicine flows through an open wound like a salve for the Soul.  The heart and Soul engage more deeply through an open wound. The Soul reshapes the heart around it so it can flow through it more freely. The wound marks the Soul and changes it forever. I now feel that my wound is encircled by a ring of light. This was how my Soul chose to shine its brilliance into the world from that day forward.

Our wounds often define us in amazing ways.  For example, people with cancer or a significant illness remember the day they were diagnosed.  It changes them forever. The wounding itself initiates. The wounded enter the sacred tribe of Warrior and Mentor.  They earn their role on Earth through the pain and Medicine of  initiation and then transformation.

In a tribe in South America, when a person suffers a deep wound, people in the tribe want to be near them. They say they feel closer to God through the pain of the wounded one.  They honor and revere the gifts of wounding.  They know they are in the presence of Soul alchemy. They hold sacred space for the one in pain.

People in our culture are afraid to be around pain.  If we have an incurable wound, many people avoid us. They deflect any talk of it and remain in superficial dialogue. They want us to ‘get over it’ and to focus on ‘the positive,’ to say we are ‘fine’ or ‘better off,’ as if this tactic will somehow erase the memory of the sacred wound in our Soul.  All that our pain needs is to be witnessed, to be held and honored by another when it is unbearable. This is what helps it change shape and form, and morph into Medicine through sacred alchemy.

There is grave danger in avoiding (denying) pain.  There is also danger in medicating or suppressing it. This interrupts the alchemical union between heart and Soul.  The energy of pain is here to transform us.  When we deny or suppress it, we get sick. We must reframe it so we can learn and grow in wisdom.  We must understand its alchemical purpose.  Pain ultimately helps us love more deeply.  It makes us trustworthy.  It gives us strength.

These are the gifts of our wounds.

Fall is a time when I re-member.  When I remember the pain I also connect with its power that shaped my Soul and healed me in ways that no other wound could.  I now feel an even deeper kind of LOVE, a fierce love, from where I can offer myself out into the world.  The ring of light around my wound keeps me humble and makes me REAL.

Now I am much stronger. The ‘proud flesh’ that grew from the broken place within has power and resilience.  It has the capacity to love like never before.   It can hold the pain of others who ask me to bear witness to what feels unbearable.  Proud flesh is good Medicine for the heart and the world.

And yet, the soft, tender center of my wound remains open.  It will never heal. It is the mark of my initiation. This is now where my LOVE flows through. Like a river that changed course, empathy, truth and beauty flows through it like never before. Sometimes it still bleeds and hurts, but mostly, it feels gratitude and loves deeply enough to want to heal the pain and sorrows of the world.

And my 12 year old with infinite wisdom is now a beautiful woman who like me and my son carries ‘proud flesh, and yes, she was right, it didn't last. But my love for them is a love like no other, woven now with golden thread between the tender places in our hearts.  We know the Medicine we carry and have become the family we once lost.

For that I am forever grateful.

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is what makes us human.

 It makes us REAL.

It is also good medicine.

This is what our patients feel.

We must also feel it so we can stay connected through our hearts.

Connection is the only REAL experience we have on EARTH.

It contains within it the most powerful force for healing -

the most powerful Medicine there is.

We must all make an effort to connect in REAL ways every day so we remain in our hearts

and in LOVE.

The world needs more of this.

Imagine our world in LOVE.



http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

What it Feels Like to BE with My Patients

Today I was thinking about the animating force in my body, in all our bodies, in life itself.  This animating force is SOUL.

Rumi says from the moment we are born, our soul is seeking union with Source.  This is the driving force of seekers.  I feel that the closest we can connect to Source in this life is through LOVE.  Music, poetry and art are all ways that come close to feeling the energy of Soul and connection with Source.  Another way to feel it is with people we love.  When I am with my patients, I always feel it.

I began feeling this sensation in my heart early on in my career.  It felt like the bliss of union, of connection and resonance.  It brought with it joy and lightness of being within me – a numinosity.  The moments I spent and still spend with my patients are indescribable, priceless and timeless.  These moments of soulful union are blessings in my life.

It feels something like this – “we are both here in this sacred space together, connected in a ‘soul contract’ to explore and seek a path to healing and wholeness.”

I can say that there is no other feeling quite like this one.  Maybe I can venture to say that it emerges from a portal in my heart that flows from my Life’s Work.  I don’t quite have the words to express what it feels like inside of me to be with my patients. Maybe BLISS is the best descriptor. Of course bliss is borne from LOVE.  Love flows from Soul as it seeks union with Source.  Being with my patients connects me to Source.

I am sure many other physicians feel this way; at least I hope they do.

Are You a 'Sensitive' ?

They are termed 'sensitives' - people that feel to the depth that the 'norm' doesn't.  They tend to be pathologized by others for their depth of feeling and also tend to pathologize themselves for it as feeling deeply is not acceptable in our society.  They have difficulty being around crowds, injustice, violence, and loud sensory stimulation.  They feel the collective energy deep in their souls.  They are deeply empathic.  I am a sensitive.  Are you?
The title of the link claims that we are 'too' sensitive.  I disagree with this.  Our world is not sensitive enough.  Maybe that is why the state of the world is in chaos and disarray.  Maybe if more of us 'sensitives' set the tone for the world, it would be a more peaceful place where art and beauty are valued more than they presently are.

http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/05/06/6-sweet-survival-tips-for-super-sensitive-souls/

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/02/ten-ways-to-find-out-if-you-are-too-sensitive/