Dog Medicine

When the Man waked up he said, ‘What is Wild Dog doing here?’ And the Woman said, ‘His name is not Wild Dog any more, but the First Friend, because he will be our friend for always and always and always’ – Rudyard Kipling

"A dog can’t change the world but they can change your world. And if each of us can pass along even a fraction of the unmitigated, world changing love we receive from our dogs, maybe we can see about that whole changing the world thing"
~Will from Will and Mr. Eko.

I still feel the profound loss of my beloved soul companion Jazmine. No, she has not appeared to me in a dream yet, (I'm still waiting) but I feel her love every now and then during moments of loneliness, heartache or struggle. Her gentle presence says, "I love you Mom", and I can exhale and not feel so alone in those moments.

I still reach down by my leg for Jazmine while I am reading or studying or watching a show, and feel the impression of her beautiful imprint she left by my side. I feel into the imprint to see if I can feel her - her warmth, love, support and yes, her goofiness. What a personality she was, and proud of it.

How does one process the loss of a companion, of any loss in life?

Why do we say, "Get over it," "It's been long enough, move on".

Why would we want to "move on" from having loved so profoundly, so deeply? What does that even mean? What does that do for one's heart?

We need to trust in the process of love and of grief.

We can only do this by being present for each other, in any stage that another may be.

Boosie is now present for me. He entered our lives 2 years ago, when Jazmine was growing visibly old at 13. His relationship with her was profoundly special. He offered her his love, his companionship and his heart in ways that only a dog could. He also offered her his love of play. She played hard with him during the last few years of her life. I feel that because of him, she lived longer and with more joy in her heart. Jazmine's four legged companion gave her a connection with her own kind. It is what she needed after giving so much of herself to me.

Boosie is now with me - my companion, who grieved with me, the loss of my Jazmine, and his favorite and only four legged companion. He too has a feeling of loss, a loss that only a dog can feel with the loss of one of their kind.

Now we are forming our own sacred bond, one where I never take a day with him for granted. Each day that I am with this little dog -who has a HUGE capacity for love - is sacred. He is helping me heal, one day at a time. He is helping me remember the great times with Jazmine. He is reminding me each day, that I am still loved.

He is now my companion.

Our country has a palpable and profound loneliness within it. In some profound way, my Jazmine, and now Boosie have and continue to teach me what it feels like to feel connected and loved.

For a sensitive, this is a profound gift.

We can and should do this for one another...again (as we did not too long ago). Like Boosie and Jazmine, we need to be there for our own kind as well.

Maybe then in some heart filled way, our lives can again be shaped by love.

People say they don't need relationships, they are self-sufficient, they are self-sustaining.

I feel this is a fallacy.

We DO need to feel witnessed, loved and supported.

Relationships do that for each one of us. Pushing that aside like many do, creates needless loss and pain.

To be felt and witnessed is the greatest gift of all.

Thank you Jazmine and Boosie for your profound and sage teachings on love.

Can we Change the Course of Cancer by treating our Patients with Love?

I recently had a heart expanding moment.  In that moment, I felt a deep and wide sensation of energy radiating from the center of my chest.  I would call this a “vertical moment” one that feels powerful in its quantum nature.  Its memory has lingered and inspired me to reflect on the power that love can have on the course of an illness. As a physician, it made me wonder, “what if we engaged our love when we delivered a diagnosis?  What if we offered hope rather than fear? What if we loved our patients more?  What if we engaged wonder and mystery rather than statistical predictions?”

We were at a small café in Madison, WI for Saturday breakfast.  The middle aged couple at the table next to us was leaving as we arrived.  The wife clearly had cancer.  She had a makeshift turban over her bald head and her skin looked pale and flat, like the skin of many patients undergoing chemotherapy.

I watched their interactions as she fumbled to stand up after her meal.  Her husband’s kindness was palpable.  He offered her support with his strong arms and loving words. He knew she was too weak to stand up by herself.  His voice was filled with love and resounded like a melody through my heart.   It was one of those numinous moments where my heart melted and I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.  I was reminded of the depth of loving kindness that people are capable of showing each other.  I surmised many theories about their life during this sacred moment – “he was in it with her for the long haul; he loved her unconditionally; she had learned to receive his love and support; she was weakened by her treatment; she was working extra hard to stay positive.”

Many people going through a cancer journey share similar challenges.  Traditional medicine fails them in its chosen ignorance of process.  Loved one’s who care for family members with cancer go unnoticed and unacknowledged by many in health care, especially physicians.  A cancer diagnosis also affects a patient’s larger community.  This is their lifeline that carries the task of empowering and caregiving over the long haul.  They are presented with the monumental task of transcending the fear that is mindlessly handed to the patient during the delivery of the cancer diagnosis.  This fear is the shadow companion that consumes vital energy during the cancer journey.

Fear is the often handed to the patient alongside a diagnosis of cancer. Is the “fear” part of the hand out really necessary? Or has our society just normalized it?  Why haven’t we normalized love, hope, reclamation, possibility or even opportunity?  I feel that it is finally time to reframe our perceptions of cancer or any illness, so those affected can be seen as the shamans that they are, bearers of deep and sacred wisdom.  They have faced the possibility of death and chosen to live.  They are powerful alchemists.  We must be open to learning from them as we also honor their process.

Of all diseases, cancer is one that can suddenly call us to transform.  It can be seen as a sudden wake up call, one that contains “awful grace”. It can force us to reevaluate our perceptions of the world, what we eat, how we behave, how we express feelings, and how we practice self-care.  I would call these reevaluations, a kind of “medicine” that cancer carries in its powerful and tight grip.  This medicine must be uncovered and released in order for one to truly achieve wholeness.  The causes of cancer are often hidden and only present at unconscious and unseen levels.  Wouldn’t it be meaningful to explore these levels, to make them conscious for clarity and healing, so we can be guided into becoming larger versions of ourselves than before the cancer occurred?

One would think this could and should be the normalized approach in cancer, from the moment of diagnosis through recovery.  If we only view cancer as the monster we need to attack, how can we learn what it is here to teach us?  How can we reclaim our life from what we feel may be its many causes?  These are the nuggets of learning that carry the capacity for us all to free ourselves from its threat and restore wholeness during our journey. How can we awaken the alchemist within us and transform every atom in our cells into luminosity and light?  As we seek its elusive and often hidden “medicine”, we may even learn to live in a way that makes us “bad hosts” for it, to prevent it from resurfacing.  This is the framework that must accompany the diagnosis of cancer to offer patients the best outcome.

When fear is handed to patients in the exam room, a cascade of events occurs.  First, they dissociate to enable them to actually “take in” the diagnosis.  A part of them becomes paralyzed as their limbic system engages for survival.  This is the part of the brain that is activated for fight-or-flight.  Trauma enters the emotional body, disrupting their electrical system, creating an unsettled, chaotic feeling of shock that remains present for months and sometimes years.  Many describe this as a feeling of “static in their field”.  Patients have a hard time feeling settled and empowered.  They find it difficult to engage their imagination where they can access solutions and become seekers.  This is where they can also gain access to their inner wisdom, instinct and insight and the healing power of Sophia, the Divine Feminine, whose power and capacity lays dormant, waiting for connection.  Cancer or any disease carries the potential for activating this.  The fear handed out subverts their connection with this intrinsic power which regulates their inner pharmacy, capable of more healing we can imagine, more than even the medical system can understand.  It subverts their access to the ‘stuff of soul’ where quantum healing awaits.

The physiology of the stress response and the impact of chronic stress on the body/mind is well known throughout the scientific literature.  Its impact on the endocrine system is erosive and thwarts the regenerative power of cells.  Cell to cell communication is impaired and growth hormone in the pituitary gland is suppressed.  Insulin receptors malfunction and the adrenals wear out.  The entire delicate web of hormonal and endocrine communication is harmed.  Under stress, the tapestry of these delicately woven systems unravels and its threads begin to fray and tear.  Under stress, the very molecules of the body degenerate denying access to the luminous.  We become uncreative and unimaginative.  We lose faith in possibility and our lens of perception turns negative.  We risk feeling like ‘victims, waiting to be rescued’.

Cancer has been normalized by society as a terminal disease, one that leaves little hope for recovery.  Recovery is termed ‘survivorship’ and the adopted identity of ‘cancer survivor’ becomes a badge that defines the end of the battle.  Meanwhile, the energy of cancer alongside fear hangs in the rafters, waiting.  Fear is intricately linked with ‘survivorship’.  It lies huddled in the background, surfacing with the slightest symptom.  Fear ultimately causes chronic stress.  The immune system feels its cold claws, as they scrape even lightly upon the psyche and imagination.

Creating a new framework to support patients with cancer has the potential to change its face and its course.  The negative thought forms where fear and death are kept at bay, can be transmuted into opportunities for seeking the growth and healing this diagnosis evokes.  Such an approach has the potential to change its course and significantly improve its outcomes. I believe this is truly possible but will take an effort on all our parts to reframe what we accept.  Our greatest effort will be to embody the awareness that is required to shift the traction from fear that has been normalized that ultimately predicts and defines the course of cancer or any illness.

Medicine is at a crossroads, a gateway, where it needs to transform into a system that offers more love, and hope, and where exploration and education are honored as core values.  As a practicing physician, I have carried this framework alongside my expertise and have learned to love deeply and widely along the way. I have felt my heart expand and my wisdom grow, but most of all, I have grown to honor the sacred contract with my patients and their loved ones, who have chosen me as their companion, and walk with them through sickness into health and often into a transformed life.  For this, I am profoundly humbled and deeply grateful.

And regarding the couple in the café, in that moment of witnessing their love, my heart leapt towards them with a loving and supportive embrace as they left to continue their courageous journey through the hills and valleys ahead.   Their very presence was a gift and an inspiration to me as a physician and a person who feels deeply. Even though they may never read this article or know how deeply they touched my heart, somewhere in the tapestry of the Universe that weaves us all together, I hope they do.  I want them to know that their love, kindness, and courage was witnessed, and deepened many around them in more ways than they could have imagined.

LOVE is here on Earth

LOVE is here on Earth

I have often felt that LOVE is what we are here to feel and give to each other.

Many share how I feel so why don’t we have stories of LOVE everywhere?

Ever since I was little, I felt it often and deeply.  It was inspiring and a bit frightening but warming, a bit overwhelming yet comforting.  I was raised to hold my feelings in, medical training tried reinforcing this, but that didn't work very well for me. I didn't adapt well and do as I was told. I felt LOVE every time I witnessed a simple act of kindness – you know, that sensation that wells up your tears and feelings. That is LOVE

LOVE makes us FEEL.

I feel it every day with my patients and staff, my dogs, my cat, my family and friends and even with total strangers - it is ever present and sustains life.  It awakens joy and the will to live.  It brings depth and meaning to the simple moments that make life worth living.

Last week when the snow fell heavy and deep, I was on the freeway on my way to work.  A snow plough entered the on ramp, ploughing and salting, clearing the path.  I was overcome with gratitude for the driver, a total stranger to me whose act of kindness saved us from skidding, who was up early, making it safe for us to go wherever we needed to go.  Yes, this was his job, but I chose to see it as an act of kindness.  I chose to see it directed at me and the others on the road at that moment in time. My heart felt warm, my tears welled. I was so thankful.  I saw his work also as an act of LOVE.

 Then, I stopped at the coffee shop and the owner had been there early on that cold morning making sure the hot coffee was ready and waiting, to warm me on my drive to work.  She was grateful for my presence and I was grateful for her efforts – again, LOVE. 

When I arrived at work, the sidewalk was already salted by a stranger who made sure I didn't fall on my way to the front door.  Yet, another act of LOVE and

As I walked in the door, I was greeted by my beloved patient who came early to fill out paperwork so we had our time together without it being cut short by protocol – an act of LOVE.

This was all on one day before 9.a.m.!

Before my day even started, I felt loved.  I felt that all the LOVE was directed at me.  I took it in and it filled me up.

If we remember to be grateful for the many ways we LOVE each other every day, and hold this sacred, our world will change.  What matters will be valued more than not mattering.

Think about this.  It can make all the difference in our experience on Earth.

LOVE is present everywhere we choose to see it.

Make sure your day is filled with gratitude for the many acts of LOVE that come your way that you may otherwise miss.

The Gift of Our Wounds

A few nights ago, I had a dream that, my children, my ex-husband and I were driving down the road in our car (when I was still married to him).  My daughter was 12, my son 9 and I felt IT. You know, that feeling when you are a family, when you feel like you belong, when you are connected organically through blood, heart and SOUL; a feeling like no other on earth.  We got out of the car and I said to my daughter, “Did you feel it?” She said, “Mom, it’s not going to last.” Then I woke up.

This dream was actually my reality.  I did feel this organic connection inside when we were a family. Every now and then, when I'd close my eyes I'd feel IT - that magical sense of belonging, of being woven together like a beautiful tapestry.  My soul radiated out to my family with a love so deep, it took my breath away.  And she was right, it didn't last.

Eight years ago in early September, on a beautiful fall day, I discovered that my family had been shattered by adultery.  When I discovered this, I fell into a deep hole that seemed like it had no bottom.  My heart imploded like a bomb went off inside and vaporized it. Its million fragments scattered into space. All that I held sacred was desecrated and in shambles.  Even Ommani was defiled. This was a dirty wound. I feared I would never heal.

Fall has always been one of my favorite seasons.  As we move inward after harvest, we tap into the depths of our inner self.  As the days get dark and our journey inward spirals into the all-knowing Yin, we gain wisdom and connection with our roots.  We prepare for hibernation, for moving closer to the heart of the Earth Mother, to gain connection and nourishment before renewal in Spring. Fall is a sacred time – a time of transition, when the veil between Heaven and Earth is thin and we can access the Spirit world more freely for guidance.

For me, that fateful day in September marked an initiation into a deeper level of Soul. I fell into an abyss where I crawled around for years, asking questions of myself whose answers I am now living out.

For me, as magical and sacred as Fall is, the transition into it is often difficult. Memories imprint the heart. In the Fall, I am reminded of the cold, sharp shards of betrayal.  They were jagged.  They pierced my heart and startled my Soul.  My heart heaved and then contracted.  I tried hard to keep it open for years for fear that it might close down forever due to this pulsing and throbbing wound.  It took courage and grief to keep it open, a grief that was sometimes hard to bear.  At times, I felt it would never heal.  To my amazement, it grew stronger. It grew ‘proud flesh’ over the portal where betrayal had entered. Sometimes I imagine it heaved deeply,  like an exhale, releasing pain and the weight of the wounder’s shadow it could no longer carry.

What I discovered is that staying open heals us even when we feel that it won’t.  The pain of staying open is more intense, but a kind of Medicine flows through an open wound like a salve for the Soul.  The heart and Soul engage more deeply through an open wound. The Soul reshapes the heart around it so it can flow through it more freely. The wound marks the Soul and changes it forever. I now feel that my wound is encircled by a ring of light. This was how my Soul chose to shine its brilliance into the world from that day forward.

Our wounds often define us in amazing ways.  For example, people with cancer or a significant illness remember the day they were diagnosed.  It changes them forever. The wounding itself initiates. The wounded enter the sacred tribe of Warrior and Mentor.  They earn their role on Earth through the pain and Medicine of  initiation and then transformation.

In a tribe in South America, when a person suffers a deep wound, people in the tribe want to be near them. They say they feel closer to God through the pain of the wounded one.  They honor and revere the gifts of wounding.  They know they are in the presence of Soul alchemy. They hold sacred space for the one in pain.

People in our culture are afraid to be around pain.  If we have an incurable wound, many people avoid us. They deflect any talk of it and remain in superficial dialogue. They want us to ‘get over it’ and to focus on ‘the positive,’ to say we are ‘fine’ or ‘better off,’ as if this tactic will somehow erase the memory of the sacred wound in our Soul.  All that our pain needs is to be witnessed, to be held and honored by another when it is unbearable. This is what helps it change shape and form, and morph into Medicine through sacred alchemy.

There is grave danger in avoiding (denying) pain.  There is also danger in medicating or suppressing it. This interrupts the alchemical union between heart and Soul.  The energy of pain is here to transform us.  When we deny or suppress it, we get sick. We must reframe it so we can learn and grow in wisdom.  We must understand its alchemical purpose.  Pain ultimately helps us love more deeply.  It makes us trustworthy.  It gives us strength.

These are the gifts of our wounds.

Fall is a time when I re-member.  When I remember the pain I also connect with its power that shaped my Soul and healed me in ways that no other wound could.  I now feel an even deeper kind of LOVE, a fierce love, from where I can offer myself out into the world.  The ring of light around my wound keeps me humble and makes me REAL.

Now I am much stronger. The ‘proud flesh’ that grew from the broken place within has power and resilience.  It has the capacity to love like never before.   It can hold the pain of others who ask me to bear witness to what feels unbearable.  Proud flesh is good Medicine for the heart and the world.

And yet, the soft, tender center of my wound remains open.  It will never heal. It is the mark of my initiation. This is now where my LOVE flows through. Like a river that changed course, empathy, truth and beauty flows through it like never before. Sometimes it still bleeds and hurts, but mostly, it feels gratitude and loves deeply enough to want to heal the pain and sorrows of the world.

And my 12 year old with infinite wisdom is now a beautiful woman who like me and my son carries ‘proud flesh, and yes, she was right, it didn't last. But my love for them is a love like no other, woven now with golden thread between the tender places in our hearts.  We know the Medicine we carry and have become the family we once lost.

For that I am forever grateful.

The Gift of My Near Death Experience

At 14, I had a near-death experience that left me re-calibrated and deeply sensitive.  It brought a dimension into my presence that was unknown to me before.  This dimension has never left me.

What I experienced is an otherworldly feeling of love and compassion that was multidimensional and utterly penetrating.  I could never have received the intensity of this in my 3-dimensional body.  Only my disembodied self was able to take this in.

The energy I was embraced in during those moments is always with me.  It has deepened my intuition and brought a depth of knowing that continues to move me to seek.  It is other-worldly.  It accompanies me where ever I go and with whoever I am. The compassion that I felt during this disembodiment was not understandable to my 14 year old psyche.  The depth of it can only be likened to the power and love of a mother giving birth.  This is the best description I can give of what I was immersed in.

For many people who have been near-death, the experience of the world is changed from that moment on. They are able see through the chaff and illusion and connect with a REAL sense of what being here is all about.  Their inner eye opens to a degree that brings clarity of purpose and a depth of soul vision that assists them in a knowing that only an initiation like this can offer.

In some ways, it is difficult to have this sight.  In other ways, it makes soul work more intense, ever pregnant with possibility and potential. It makes it easier in many ways to not get caught up in worldly illusions and develop a right relationship with oneself so the fleeting and superficial values of the world don't hook in.

The challenge sometimes is to be able to relate to this energy with the three dimensional body and one's humanness that can limit the felt experience.  It is also challenging to put it into words and describe it with an accuracy of feeling.

I was forever changed by this.  It initiated me into a sight with my patients that is deep and utterly sacred.

One of its greatest gifts for me is the depth to which I can feel what is REAL.

At this point in my life, I cannot settle for anything less.

For this, I am forever grateful.

The Power of Bearing Witness

I have been seeing a patient, who I will call Ann, for 10 years.  She is a therapist who is a gentle and sensitive soul.  I can only imagine the gentle yet powerful space she is able to hold for her clients.  As she bears witness to the many facets of their lives, they have a powerful witness to their process.  They have her love, guidance, expertise and strong arms that hold them through their journeys. They are fortunate to have her in their lives.  With the space she holds they know they are not alone.

I saw Ann the other day when she needed me to bear witness to her process.  She had to hold space for a mother who had lost her daughter.  She was not sure what to say to this mother to help her pain.  It rattled her to her core.

As I sat with her and held space for her, all I could do is bear witness to her process. I told her that the most powerful gift she could give the grieving mother was her presence.  Bearing witness is a gift we can offer each other at any time.  In a world that is moving at warp speed, it is easy to forget that we matter.  Since we don’t live in communities like we once did that marked our passages and witnessed our lives, it is common to spend our milestones alone.  Once they pass, people get occupied again with their busyness and forget that we are in process.  When a person experiences a loss, the process through grief takes time.  It is important for them to be supported through its different stages.

Bearing witness is a sacred act.  It even changes the one who bears witness.  It deepens and fortifies one's soul.  It makes one trustworthy.

As a person’s grief transforms and shifts through its various stages, one gains access to the inner endurance that lives within.  The vacuum that is left in one's life is somehow filled with memories and a deeper level of wisdom.  This is an alchemical process.  The pain of loss never goes away, but it changes  form and also changes the greiver in profound ways. Without bearing witness, one could never experience the power of  Soul in process.

Many of us feel alone in our process.  This is not good for our health. We feel isolated. We may feel that our process is a burden on others.  Isolation is one of the most profound stressors on Earth.  Being witnessed, on the other hand, makes us feel like we matter.  Mattering is good for our health.  It makes our life worth living.

Mattering is a form of LOVE.

As a physician, I feel that bearing witness is the most sacred part of what I do each day.  Holding space and bearing witness to sometimes unbearable suffering deepens my heart and fortifies my soul.  It makes my patients feel that they matter, that their pain and suffering matters.  To be asked to bear witness for another is a profound honor.  Life presents us with so many ways to bear witness to each other every day. We must embrace these opportunities for loving.

Like Ann who will be changed forever by her witnessing, we must hold our strong arms around each other with open hearts. As Ann bears witness to a grieving mother, I bear witness to Ann.  Somehow, I feel that my arms are around her and this mother, all at the same time.  My heart is open to holding space for all of this.  For me it is a great honor and a blessing.

Making another feel like they matter also makes my life matter.  Isn't this ultimately what we are on Earth to experience? For me, this is one of the greatest forms of LOVE.

What it Feels Like to BE with My Patients

Today I was thinking about the animating force in my body, in all our bodies, in life itself.  This animating force is SOUL.

Rumi says from the moment we are born, our soul is seeking union with Source.  This is the driving force of seekers.  I feel that the closest we can connect to Source in this life is through LOVE.  Music, poetry and art are all ways that come close to feeling the energy of Soul and connection with Source.  Another way to feel it is with people we love.  When I am with my patients, I always feel it.

I began feeling this sensation in my heart early on in my career.  It felt like the bliss of union, of connection and resonance.  It brought with it joy and lightness of being within me – a numinosity.  The moments I spent and still spend with my patients are indescribable, priceless and timeless.  These moments of soulful union are blessings in my life.

It feels something like this – “we are both here in this sacred space together, connected in a ‘soul contract’ to explore and seek a path to healing and wholeness.”

I can say that there is no other feeling quite like this one.  Maybe I can venture to say that it emerges from a portal in my heart that flows from my Life’s Work.  I don’t quite have the words to express what it feels like inside of me to be with my patients. Maybe BLISS is the best descriptor. Of course bliss is borne from LOVE.  Love flows from Soul as it seeks union with Source.  Being with my patients connects me to Source.

I am sure many other physicians feel this way; at least I hope they do.